'Old Dogs': Who Let the Cliches Out?
 Popcorn Columnby Michael S. Goldberger
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.jpg) Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
John Travolta and Robin Williams are all bark and no comedic bite in the tired 'Old Dogs.' |
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Adding insult to injury, this careless throwaway about two sports management entrepreneurs (John Travolta and Robin Williams) suddenly saddled with parenting duties doesn't even score that rare bonus. That is, it isn't so bad that it's good. No sirree, neither laughable nor distinguished by its incompetence, it's just plain old blah.
Nonetheless, perhaps because it's simply no fun piling on when a motion picture is so comedically challenged, and also to invoke my big sister's sanguinity about turning lemons into lemonade, I laughed a bit. Actually, I charitably chortled a tad more than might seem reasonable in light of what nonsense was being purveyed on the screen.
Understandably, such obviously motiveless laughter could be likened to the worrisome insincerity of a Cheshire cat's smile. Still, I'd like to think that a few fellow filmgoers moved away only to seek seats with a better angle, or maybe a functioning cup holder. It wouldn't do to follow them and clarify that I actually agreed the movie wasn't that funny.
However, the thought made me chuckle. "Excuse me, you see I'm a film critic. No sense taking any of this misbegotten mess to heart. I'm merely going with the flow. But be assured, Ma'am. While it seems Dr. Jekyll is viewing the movie, have no doubt that the review in tomorrow's 'Morning Standard’ will have been written by Mr. Hyde.'
That'd probably put'em at ease. And doubtless it's better than explaining that Travolta and Williams doing a variation on the "Grumpy Old Men" (1993) thing a couple decades prematurely belongs in the "If I didn't laugh, I'd cry" category of film appraisal. Whether or not the principals themselves took this seriously is hard to figure.
Though seeming to hedge their commitment to material way beneath their talent and stature in the biz, neither man appears willing to just hit the canvas and take the payday. They're professional enough to manufacture chemistry where virtually little exists. The result is a study in willy-nillyness. Phantoms, they filter through the cliché.
Meet Charlie and Dan, pals and business partners since way back when, on the precipice of taking their firm to the next level. Working one of cinema's more recent business fantasies, all they have to do is land the Nishamura account and they're set for life. But alas, this Disney production drops a fly in the ointment to teach a moral lesson.
It is tritely prefaced that both men have committed the cardinal sin of never successfully embracing family values. Travolta's Charlie, a wag of a bachelor, lives in a killer pad with only his shiny toys and a very old dog. Dan, though he's given it the old college try, has been wed and divorced twice. Oops, no ... he reminds the second fiasco was annulled.
So, per the rules of PG-rated irony, their reckless pasts must catch up with them just as they are about to realize their selfish dream. Quicker than you can say deus ex machina, wife No. 2 raps on Dan's door. Remember the whirlwind affair in South Beach? Well, she has trophies in the form of 7-year-old, boy and girl fraternal twins to commemorate it.
The deal is, because zealously green Vicki, played by Kelly Preston, protested some eco transgression, she must serve two weeks in the pokey. During said penance, she needs someone to care for Emily (Ella Bleu Travolta) and Zach (Conner Rayburn). After the shock wears off, Dan, like Dr. Manette in "Tale of Two Cities," feels recalled to life.
But Charlie isn't quite that enthused about his friend's second chance at domestic bliss, especially as this newly arrived baggage might skew their business stratagems. But you know the sudden uncle folds and accedes. And with that, the floodgates holding back every imaginable banality related to unconventional caretakers are swung wide open.
Heck, they'll pull off the deal anyway. Imagine a huge construction site with bevies of lumbering dump trucks unloading tons of every platitude, hokum and stereotypical story mechanism. It's to laugh. Interspersed with some curiously mean-spirited slapstick, "Old Dogs" boasts not one new, tail-wagging trick to earn it that proverbially promised day.
"Olds Dogs," rated PG, is a Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures release directed by Walt Becker and stars John Travolta, Robin Williams and Kelly Preston. Running time: 88 minutes
