That's Life: Love Is All We Have to Give

By Phyllis McGuire
iBerkshires Columnist
08:17PM / Wednesday, April 16, 2008

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A misunderstood Brad needed understanding love.

I enjoyed the film "A River Runs Through It" when I saw it in a movie theater in l992 — and developed a crush on Brad Pitt.

Since then, through the magic of TV and videotapes, I have watched that film many times, not only because I "love" Pitt but because I like the moving story and the spectacular scenery as well. "A River Runs Through It" was nominated for three Academy Awards and won an Oscar for cinematography.

In the film, Pitt plays the role of Paul, a rebellious free spirit whose behavior is of great concern to his father, a Presbyterian minister. When Paul meets a violent death, his saddened-but-accepting father delivers a sermon that tugs on my heart. As I remember it, it goes:

"It is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or more often than not the part we have to give is not wanted, and so it is those we live with and should know who elude us, but we can still love them ... love them completely without complete understanding." 

Those words came to mind one day when my daughter, Jennifer, and I were talking about raising children. Now that Jennifer is the mother of two teenagers and is well aware of the complexities and responsibilities innate in motherhood, we have much in common as parents.  

Right Thing To Do

"Though I love you and your brother more than anyone else in the world, I did not believe in treating you in exactly the same way when you were children," I said. It had seemed the right thing to do at the time, as they had different needs and desires.

One example of these differences revolved around clothes. My son, Christopher, three years Jennifer's senior, was content wearing sneakers I bought in a variety store in our neighborhood. His general lack of interest in fashion, etc., worked in my favor - moneywise - as the generic brands he did not mind wearing were cheaper than famous name brands.

Whatever I saved on inexpensive apparel for Christopher, however, was spent on Jennifer, pleasing her fetish for brands popular with her peers. 

But, as children are wont to do, Jennifer best remembers the time her father put his foot down and said "No" to her entreaties for a pair of jeans that cost more than three weeks' groceries. "Guess who is not getting 'Guess' jeans?"  he had said   

Christopher and Jennifer were also unlike as far as their attitude about education. He was an eager learner and an avid reader. He always earned excellent marks, yet was never satisfied that he had studied enough for a test or had done enough research for an assignment.

Jennifer was a "reluctant student."  She went to school begrudgingly, and considered studying and doing homework a waste of time. Thankfully, she managed to earn passing marks, which allowed her to progress with her classmates to the next grade. 

I never said to Jennifer, "Why can't you be more like your brother," although some thoughtless teachers taunted her with comparisons. And while Jennifer was nearby, I was careful not to shower praise on Christopher.   

But Jennifer's athletic prowess outweighed her brother's abilities in the field of sports, and I was glad to have an opportunity to praise her for her outstanding performances on softball diamonds and basketball courts. 

When I mentioned that to Jennifer, she said. "But I didn't need that."

I was shocked. While it is true that she had won many trophies and other awards for sports, I had thought she would have wanted me to show my support. But as the minister in "A River Runs Through It" says, what we have to give is not wanted.

The love my children and I feel for each other, however, has been strong enough to survive any real or imagined mistakes I have made as a parent — so far. 

Now that they have grown into responsible, productive adults and fate has decried that we live miles apart, I do not see them as often as I would like.

And times like now when I am alone, I take comfort in a saying I discovered a few years ago in the college trappings my daughter left behind in my basement:

"I  know there is a sun even when it does not shine, I know there is a God even when he is silent, I know I am loved even when I am alone."
   
Phyllis McGuire is an occasional contributor to iBerkshires.