Academy Award Picks: Oscar Saved by the Goldberger Squirrels

By Michael S. GoldbergeriBerkshires Film Critic
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Popcorn Column
by Michael S. Goldberger  

Anne Marie Fox/Focus Films 
Film critic Michael S. Goldberger picked Matthew McConaughey to receive the Best Performance by an actor in a lead role for his portrayal of Rob Woodroof in 'Dallas Buyers Club."

This year's Oscar picks were made possible by a heroic feat — entailing not any valor on my part, mind you, but rather, the valiant courage of a bushy-tailed accomplice. The backstory is in order.

Some time ago, on a day just like today, sitting disconsolately by the picture window overlooking my backyard, I gloomily bemoaned the thankless task at hand. It was Oscar picking season, when the film critic is reduced to common handicapper. Pick 'em right and so what? It's expected. Pick 'em wrong and the tar-and-feather stock rises.

 
My only happy consolation that morning was this observation: The squirrels in my backyard, perhaps from feasting on a better class of weeds, wild nuts and berries, were considerably fatter and jowlier than their cousins in the garden next door.

I amused myself with a novel conceit, and fantasized how this might impact some future epitaph: "While Goldberger achieved only middling success in his Academy Award predictions over the years, he is much better known for the especially robust and progressive breed of squirrels that bred in his backyard, many of whom went on to achieve notable stature in government, medicine, sports and the arts."

I decided right then to name them "The Goldberger Squirrels," and vowed from here on to nurture their civilization with a regular stipend of peanuts. However, before turning away to stare in utter quandary at blank computer screen, I swore one of the squirrels waved at me. I decided he was the leader of these august rodents, and named him Dave the Brave.

The days passed, and deadline loomed... but still no picks. I grew desperate, and remembered my casual encounter with a political wonk some time back... a self-proclaimed "fixer," as he put it, who was happy to arrange favors for the right patronage. While I feature myself above such doings, it is, alas, telling that I hadn't discarded his card... crumpled it as if to toss it, but never did. Oh dear reader, the shame!

I phoned. "Not safe," he said. "Text me on my private, non-governmental phone." I did, and explained that if the favor expected in return were above board and not too compromising, I'd like to avail myself of his resource... namely a list of the Oscar winners.

"No problem, Mike," came his rejoinder, followed by the address just across the river in Greater Dogpatch where the picks had been cached in a drainpipe. All I had to do was drive over the bridge, snare the goods and drive back.

I was heartened... but only momentarily. In the afternoon, bad news came across the radio. A huge traffic jam, the likes of which had never been seen before, had snarled matters on the span. I'd never get there and back by press time. Curses!



I texted my, uh, contact, and cried betrayal. "I don't know what you're talking about," came his response, and continued, "...and even if I did, I'd deny it... besides, something's come up... more important than everyday citizens like you. However, even though I don't know anything about this incident, and don't know you very well at all, you can rest assured I have your very best interests at heart. Besides, no one's stopping you."

Despondent anew, I gazed out over the yard where, to my surprise, I was beckoned outside by Dave the Brave. As I approached, he informed, "We want to help."

"You can talk?" I tremulously inquired.

"Only for the purposes of this absurd political satire," he replied, "but thanks for the nuts. Give me the address. I'll get your picks."

That dark evening, traversing utility lines high above the gridlock caused by the Great Traffic Study of 2013, Dave and a paw-picked retinue of his intrepid hearties made their way to the pickup spot and headed home. But hark, like Pharaoh having second thoughts, my deceitful go-between dispatched his crew of flying monkeys to check the political affiliation of any suspicious beings attempting to cross the basically unpassable bridge.

(Subpoenaed testimony later corroborated that another critic had promised a bigger favor)

But Dave was prepared. He said he was tired from travel, and would appreciate it if the monkeys would relieve him of the heavy bag of bananas he carried. He then added in garbled tones that, as a squirrel, he unfortunately wasn't able to take part in the political process. However, should suffrage ever be granted his sub-order, he'd surely support his boss's administration.

Not detecting what Dave was concealing in his cavernous cheeks, the sentinel allowed the Goldberger Squirrels to pass. Thus the origin of an addendum the Goldberger Squirrels plan to annually incorporate in their Passover celebration.

Though smeared a bit by squirrel drool but nonetheless legible, following are the Oscar winners that will be announced this Sunday evening, March 2 when the Academy Award festivities take place.
 

  • Best motion picture of the year: "12 Years a Slave" - Brad Pitt, Dede Gardner, Jeremy Kleiner, Steve McQueen and Anthony Katagas, Producers.
  • Performance by an actor in a leading role: Matthew McConaughey in "Dallas Buyers Club."
  • Performance by an actor in a supporting role: Jared Leto in "Dallas Buyers Club."
  • Performance by an actress in a leading role: Sandra Bullock in "Gravity."
  • Performance by an actress in a supporting role: Lupita Nyong'o in "12 Years a Slave."
  • Achievement in directing: "Gravity" - Alfonso Cuarón.
  • Best animated feature film of the year: "Frozen" - Chris Buck, Jennifer Lee and Peter Del Vecho.
  • Best foreign language film of the year: "The Great Beauty" – Italy.
  • Adapted screenplay: "12 Years a Slave" - Screenplay by John Ridley.
  • Original screenplay: "Her" - Written by Spike Jonze.
  • Achievement in film editing: "Gravity" - Alfonso Cuarón and Mark Sanger.
  • Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score): "The Book Thief" - John Williams.
  • Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song): "Ordinary Love" from "Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom." Music by Paul Hewson, Dave Evans, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen; Lyric by Paul Hewson.
  • Achievement in cinematography: "Gravity" -Emmanuel Lubezki.
  • Achievement in costume design: "American Hustle" - Michael Wilkinson.
  • Best documentary feature: "Cutie and the Boxer" - Zachary Heinzerling and Lydia Dean Pilcher.
  • Best documentary short subject: "The Lady in Number 6: Music Saved My Life" - Malcolm Clarke and Nicholas Reed.
  • Achievement in makeup and hairstyling: "Dallas Buyers Club" - Adruitha Lee and Robin Mathews.
  • Achievement in production design: "Her" - Production Design: K.K. Barrett; Set Decoration: Gene Serdena.
  • Best animated short film: "Mr. Hublot"- Laurent Witz and Alexandre Espigares.
  • Best live action short film: "Helium" - Anders Walter and Kim Magnusson.
  • Achievement in sound editing: "Gravity"- Glenn Freemantle.
  • Achievement in sound mixing: "Gravity" - Skip Lievsay, Niv Adiri, Christopher Benstead and Chris Munro.
  • Achievement in visual effects: "Gravity" - Tim Webber, Chris Lawrence, Dave Shirk and Neil Corbould.
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Students Named to Simon's Rock Fall 2023 Dean's List

GREAT BARRINGTON, Mass. — Bard College at Simon's Rock congratulates the students named to the fall 2023 Dean's List for their outstanding academic achievement.
 
To be eligible for this honor, a student must carry 14 or more credits and achieve a grade point average of 3.5.
 
Sophia Krans of Monterey 
 
Wilkinson McCallister of Great Barrington 
 
Rei Puentedura of Williamstown 
 
Ben Rosenbaier of Gt Barrington 
 
Lucy Swindlehurst of Becket 
 
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