Helpful Holiday Gift GuideBy Seth Brown
12:00AM / Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Well, it's that time of year again, when a young man's fancy turns to slush. Yes, Christmas is just around the corner, along with Hanukkah (motto: "A different spelling for every night!"), Kwanzaa, Festivus and the rest of winter's wacky holidays. But while we may have different traditions of celebration, regardless of what religion you are, it's important to remember that there's something we all share. Something we all hold in common, something that ties us together during this time of year:
People expect us to get them stuff.
Even though it wasn’t originally a part of many holidays, capitalism and peer pressure have resulted in mandatory winter gift giving for most of America. For some, this responsibility extends only to family, for some to friends as well, and for some even the co-worker that you don't really like but someone at your office organized a secret Santa program and you drew his name so you're obligated to get him something anyway, which is starting to bother you. We won't worry too much about him.
For the rest of the people on your list, however, you may still be looking for gift ideas. Well, look no further. Need something romantic for your wife? Why not treat her to an all-you-can-eat dinner at Jack's in North Adams? Nothing says "I love you and I know you're hungry" like a dozen hot dogs, and she'll relish the treat while appreciating that you've been frank. Want something a bit more seasonal? Try buying her a toaster, to help you both "toast" each other's health.
Do you know a young boy who has really been asking for a certain video game or a toy? A fun thing to do is to find someone else who recently purchased it and ask them for the box it came in. Just wrap up the empty box and put it under the tree, and when that young boy opens it to find nothing inside, you can share the gift of imagination with him. He's bound to appreciate it!
Shopping for each member of a family you are friends with can be difficult — and expensive. Why not get them one big gift that they can all enjoy? For just a few dollars, you can buy enough syrup to turn their entire front yard into a giant snow cone! It's so fun and delicious that the Joneses will be hard-pressed to keep up with them.
Finally, there's always that someone on your list who is hard to shop for. (Some people are so picky that even ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which they will not put.) What do you get for the guy who has everything? I suggest Ibuprofen. But when material goods just won't do, you might consider getting them a little holiday spirit. I like to rewrite holiday songs, and last year I wrote this one, which I'd now like to share with you. So happy holidays to all, and let it snow!
Allow It To Precipitate!
Oh, the meteorological conditions on the exterior are terrifying,
But the conflagration of combustion and heat is exceedingly gratifying.
And taking into consideration the fact that there is nowhere to which we ought to ambulate,
Allow it to precipitate! Allow it to precipitate! Allow it to precipitate!
Circumstance has revealed nothing that would indicate an imminent cessation,
And I've purchased some corn for the purposes of heating to cause expansion and exfoliation.
The electric luminosity devices are adjusted to minimally illuminate.
Allow it to precipitate! Allow it to precipitate! Allow it to precipitate!
Once we have completed our inevitable farewell osculation,
Venturing outwards into the blizzard is something I shall detest!
But if you will surround me with your person to a degree that could cause asphyxiation,
I shall retain adequate heat until to my residence I have progressed.
The conflagration of combustion and heat is gradually diminishing,
And, cherished of mine, our valediction has not reached the point of finishing.
But under the condition that you are enamored with me to an excessive rate,
Allow it to precipitate! Allow it to precipitate! Allow it to precipitate!
Seth Brown is either a freelance writer specializing in humor or a freelance humorist specializing in writing. He lives in North Adams, eventually. He is a frequent contributor to the Washington Post's Style Invitational, and like everyone else, is working on a book. |
