Land of the Rising PunBy Seth Brown
12:00AM / Wednesday, February 04, 2004
THE BERKSHIRES — Ike Shallow and Cow Tech announced this week that they have reached a joint proposal to explore the possibility of building wind turbines on people's faces. The windmills would be extremely small, and estimated costs for the project are roughly $300 per face.
In an age in which the hamster wheel is no longer sufficient to power computers, and the solar-powered flashlight has fallen by the wayside, many are looking to renewable resources like wind power.
"Humans breathe all the time," explained Shallow, "And that wind power is just going to waste at the moment. It's a nice windy spot. We need to be thinking of the environment and how we can achieve lasting energy for the future in a way that is safe. We cannot continue to use nuclear power because it pollutes too much."
The windmills would be placed under one's nose, just above the mouth, to collect energy from the air as it rushes out.
But how will Shallow convince those who argue that the nuclear power plant in one's stomach is perfectly fine and that no facial windmills are necessary? Opponents have already formed an organization called Saving Face and are campaigning to halt any progress with the project.
"There's no proof that much energy could be gathered from these turbines," said Saving Face member Marty McFat, "not to mention the fact that they would completely destroy the scenic beauty of your face. Constructing these turbines would completely ruin your chance for getting a date."
McFat also complained that Cow Tech has misrepresented the issue on its Web site about the project (wowowow.cowtech/inyerface.org). "The photos on the Web site show windmills on a very small face. Windmills on your face would likely be bigger than that."
Cow Tech, for its part, is still gathering data about the project. The university would like to build a wind data collection tower under the left nostril of North Adams City Councilor Clark Unwilling to determine whether facial windmills would gather sufficient energy to make the project worthwhile. However, university officials fear that a Nasal Zoning Board might be formed, which could impede any progress. Such a board could declare, for example, that no facial construction could begin without a detailed report of exactly how many windmills could be sited within a 6-inch radius from Unwilling's nose.
"S'not fair," complained a spokesman for Cow Tech. "There's no way we can tell what windmills need to be erected until we gather the data. Everyone knows that local, renewable energy is important, because we can't rely on people's natural gas facilities forever."
According to Cow Tech, facial windmills could provide renewable energy in a manner that doesn't pollute, fluctuate in price or rely on importing — unlike current natural gas facilities.
Shallow is hoping to begin construction of the nasal wind data collection tower by March, but he and Cow Tech may have to find a different subject. Councilor Unwilling said he remains vehemently opposed to any windmills on anyone's face, especially his own.
"I don't buy into this whole facial windmill thing," he said. “And the most important thing here is aesthetics. I'm willing to admit that this may be a NIMFY situation" (Not In My Face, You”).
Shallow may yet get a permit to build windmills on someone’s face, but his opposition is nothing to sneeze at. Citing a joke that has been going around the Internet about cold weather and New Englanders, Unwilling said, "At 500 degrees below zero, hell freezes over, the Patriots win the Super Bowl and Shallow builds a windmill on my face. …Wait, the Patriots did win. I guess the face windmill is even further down the thermometer than that. I sure hope so, anyway."
Seth Brown is a freelance humor writer who is a fan of North Adams and Williamstown and oscillates between them. He is a frequent contributor to the Washington Post's Style Invitational and, like everyone else, is working on a book. |
