Land of the Rising Pun

By Seth BrownPrint Story | Email Story
Leap Year has never made sense to me. We have entered into the 21st century. We are a people of such impressive science and technology that we can talk to people across the globe, fly over the clouds and put aspirin into a container that no human being on earth can open without a hammer. And we measure things precisely — astronomers watch the rotation and revolution of various planets and moons, while an atomic clock ticks away the milliseconds to measure the exact amount of time everything takes. In spite of all this, once every four years, we have to throw in an entire extra day to keep things on track. Doesn't this seem a bit slapdash to you? We're going to take great pains to keep track of every second, and then once every four years, "Pardon me, do you mind if we just toss in an extra 86,400 seconds here?" This is a hopelessly antiquated method of reckoning time. It was invented centuries ago in 1582, long before the digital watch. If you took a roomful of students at Drury or Lee high schools, gave them a four-year span to divide into four equal parts as homework, and they came back with a "leap year" concept, you'd flunk them. Especially that kid Greg Orian, who I suspect is behind the whole thing. I honestly think that we can do much better, but it requires a radical solution. I said it last leap year and I'll say it again: It's Metric Time! What is Metric Time, you ask? Well, consider the metric system as a whole in comparison to our system. Length: We have 12 inches to the foot, 3 feet to the yard, 843 yards to the North Adams residential neighborhood. Metric system: meter, centimeter, kilometer. All tens. Fluid measurements: We have two pints to the quart, 6 pints to the Kennedy, and 8 pints to the gallon. Metric system: milliliter, liter. All tens. Weight: We have 16 ounces to the pound, 2,000 pounds to the ton and 16 tons to another year older and deeper in debt. Metric system: milligrams, grams, kilograms. All tens. See a pattern? We are currently keeping track of time in a similarly confusing manner: 60 seconds to the minute, 60 minutes to the Andy Rooney, 24 hours to the 7-11, etc. Why not create a simpler ten-based system for reckoning time? We throw out this ridiculous "day" concept and replace it with a decimal system based on something I like to call a "chron," in honor of Chronos, the god of time. A chron would be equal to just a little more than eight of these "hour" things that people persist in using. Once we're measuring in centichrons and kilochrons, this preposterous leap year concept will no longer be necessary. No more of the poor leap-year babies, doomed to not reach drinking age until 84! No more constant confusion over what date follows Feb. 28! No more staring at an analog clock in uncomprehension, wondering why when the minute hand is on 9, the time may not have any nines in it! Imagine instead a world where our time was measured with a decimal system, so we could keep track on our fingers. A world where school children didn't have to waste half of second grade trying to figure out clock problems. A world where the very idea of throwing a "leap year" into every fourth year as a corrective measure would be a laughable absurdity. Now, I know that in spite of the obvious superiority of the metric system, most Americans haven't accepted it. We fought the Revolutionary War to escape from beneath the oppressive foot of an English king, and yet we still measure things by that king's oppressive foot. It's possible that we just may not be ready for metric time today. But tomorrow, my friends, is another chron — er, make that three chrons. Seth Brown is a freelance humor writer based in North Adams who tries to put his best meter forward. He is a frequent contributor to the Washington Post's Style Invitational and, like everyone else, is working on a book.
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Lanesborough Fifth-Graders Win Snowplow Name Contest

LANESBOROUGH, Mass. — One of the snowplows for Highway District 1 has a new name: "The Blizzard Boss."
 
The name comes from teacher Gina Wagner's fifth-grade class at Lanesborough Elementary School. 
 
The state Department of Transportation announced the winners of the fourth annual "Name A Snowplow" contest on Monday. 
 
The department received entries from public elementary and middle school classrooms across the commonwealth to name the 12 MassDOT snowplows that will be in service during the 2025/2026 winter season. 
 
The purpose of the contest is to celebrate the snow and ice season and to recognize the hard work and dedication shown by public works employees and contractors during winter operations. 
 
"Thank you to all of the students who participated. Your creativity allows us to highlight to all, the importance of the work performed by our workforce," said  interim MassDOT Secretary Phil Eng.  
 
"Our workforce takes pride as they clear snow and ice, keeping our roads safe during adverse weather events for all that need to travel. ?To our contest winners and participants, know that you have added some fun to the serious take of operating plows. ?I'm proud of the skill and dedication from our crews and thank the public of the shared responsibility to slow down, give plows space and put safety first every time there is a winter weather event."
 
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