That's Life: The Art of Dressing
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Celebrities' and Hollywooders' escapades, peccadilloes as well as loftier accomplishments were typical topics on the program.
Now, the "John Tesh Radio Show," which airs on Sundays, is a mix of music and news. I am not privy to whether Tesh or a subordinate spins the records, but I know that Tesh spouts interesting and amusing facts as well as health tips.
Recently, Tesh pointed out that experts recommended that people stand when dressing.
Hmmm, I guess those experts never tried to squeeze into a pair of jeans that had shrunk in the wash or that they had bought before they gained some unwanted pounds; the only way to get into such jeans is to stretch out on a bed and tug them over the hips.
As for pantyhose, I would not dare to slip into them while standing for fear of the consequences. You see, I picture myself leaning like the Tower of Pisa as I stand on one foot while raising the other to step into the hose. Then losing my balance, I would end up with my derriere hitting the floor. Standing while putting on footwear could be an exercise in frustration. How would you tie the laces on your sneakers or fasten an ankle strap on your shoes?
A lot of pushing and pulling is involved in getting into zipperless knee-high boots, and that is difficult to do in an upright position. Since some people's heads spin when they bend, manufacturers should insert a warning in that type of boot, such as those affixed to certain medicine bottles: "Use caution. Dizziness may occur."
Men, in general, need less time to dress than women do. This has been a bone of contention with couples, ever since mankind began wearing more than loincloths.
Well, guys, let's be fair — gals have more layers of clothing to put on. A man can jump into boxers or briefs in a second, whereas women stuff themselves into a figure-control garment; support and elevate their breasts with a bra, and struggling with the hook and eye in back, is, in itself, time consuming; and cover those underpinnings with a slip.
OK, it takes only a minute to pull a slip over one's head, but when a woman discovers the slip peeks from beneath the dress she wants to wear, she has to search for a shorter slip. Or, as my Aunt Lillian used to do, the woman could tie a string around her waist and hoist a few inches of the slip above it.
When a woman has reached the point where she is fully clothed, she still is not ready to go out into the world. She needs to transfer the items in the handbag she carried yesterday to one that complements the outfit she is wearing now.
Coiffing hair is a five-step operation: brushing, gelling, teasing, styling and using hair spray to hold every strand in place. A woman is willing to pay the price that process demands in time and patience, as hair is her crowning glory.
Next a woman applies makeup, which is comparable to creating a work of art. Her face the canvas, a woman uses a brush to color her eyelashes and eyelids, paints her lips with gloss and her cheeks with blush. Then, she examines her work, standing back from the mirror, and decides to add a bit more color or wipe some away.
"What are you doing in there?" a husband calls out. "I'll be out in a minute," his spouse answers as she hurries to a jewelry box to select earrings and a bracelet. Finally opening the door of the bedroom, the woman realizes she neglected to dab perfume behind her ears. So she disappears again to correct that omission.
When a man becomes impatient while waiting for his lady to appear, he should consider that she does not go to all that bother just for herself. She wants to please him as well.
So, don't berate her, just tell her how pretty she looks. And for heaven's sake, never complain to anyone that it is her fault you are always late. Otherwise, whether you stand or sit while undressing, you may be in the guest room, where you will sleep alone.
