A culture wrapped up in appearance, with few ways to understand ourselves except as others see us, or as we think we appear to others, can create a confusing life. Americans have got this bad, says Benjamin Kilborne, a psychoanalyst who lives in West Stockbridge and who recently published his book Disappearing Persons, Shame and Appearance.
When we judge ourselves based on how we appear to others, the result can be at best confusing. What happens when our culture becomes based on appearances? “Close to the bone†is how Benjamin Kilborne talks about his book, Disappearing Persons, Shame and Appearance. Kilborne uses Greek myths, and more contemporary writers, including Kafka and Pirandello, to show us the facets of this phenomenon. Then he weaves stories of his clients or patients, and their struggles with related stories in their own lives. The stories are meant to be evocative, he said, with the world of Greek tragedy a baseline of ideas about the mind and the heart.
“The psychoanalytic tradition is not distinct from these basic ideas about tragedy,†he says. In our culture, a lack of acceptance of what is, in fact, the tragedy of life gets us in trouble. Always keeping up appearances, not showing grief or pain, or aging, serves to dig us deeper into another tragedy than the one we’re avoiding.
Kilborne started his book about a dozen years ago, when he had just experienced one of his own difficult moments. He became interested in the human tendency to not see our own shame. It plays out in therapeutic relationships, between client or patient and therapist or doctor. Humans have a tendency, played out in this relationship, to long to be recognized for who they are, but at the same time, they fear really being seen.
Analysis and therapy are really explorations of self, he said, which lead to a healthy sense of freedom. Knowing what we want others to see and what we want to hide, is a step toward this freedom.
Kilborne began his career as an anthropologist, and says he doesn’t practice psychoanalysis in a cultural vacuum. The values of culture and ego ideals people set for themselves can't be seen as completely distinct. In 21st century America, the culture provides new challenges to our sense of ourselves, how we appear and how we in fact feel. We base how we feel about ourselves on how we think we appear to others. But in this time and place, that can be especially elusive.
“Because of things like plastic surgery, the media and public relations, we have been encouraged to believe we can control the way we appear. We try to control the way we feel by the way we appear. As a result, we become more and more dependent on others to know how we appear, and therefore, on others to know how we feel.â€
Los Angeles may have had as much an affect on Kilborne’s life as anthropology did. Now in his federal colonial house surrounded by calm colors, Berkshire landscape and his companion whippet nearby, it’s not easy to imagine him in the land of glitter. “Behind the false tinsel there’s the real tinsel,†he jokes of the saying he’s heard about Los Angeles. He lived in LA for 20 years where this fascination with appearances for self-awareness is “terrifically prevalent,†where “so much is image.†The Los Angeles experience spreads to the rest of the culture via media, and “instead of being human, we’re obsessed with a face lift. The face lift will never address the feelings of worthlessness.â€
He jokes about a story of Lincoln who is reported to have not hired a man for some top government job because he didn’t like his face. Lincoln is said to have claimed a man over a certain age is responsible for his face, you can tell a man by his face. Kilbourne says past 40 a man is responsible for his face.
“Faces show who we are, so much more when we get older.†But why do people want to hide that in the mask of youth? Americans have the image problem but they also have another image they try to project: self-reliance. “Women weren’t as caught up in the image of self-reliance,†he says, but they are becoming more so too.
Kilborne said it makes sense that Disneyland employees suffer a higher rate of depression than the general population: They always have to look happy and that takes its toll. The same goes for the general population. He says its better to face the sadness or mourning or grief, anger or vulnerability, or other aspects of the human experience and let them show.
“If acknowledged, having these feelings of helplessness and shame can make us more complete human beings. But if the scramble after appearances is used repressively, there can be more and more casualties.â€
He transfers the discussion to the political realm where it can also be seen. In the last chapter in the book, he talks Stalin’s sadomasochistic tendency to control appearances in general. He was furious about an artists’ rendering of his ear, and was obsessed with showing himself to look “wise and glowing.†When he didn’t like a person, he had him removed from the photograph. In his book, Kilborne talks about how his fear of being exposed and really seen was “a terror that drove his cruelty and sadism.â€
In our interview, Kilborne comments that as with Stalin and others more or less extreme, “unacknowledged shame has a great deal to do with intolerance and cruelty.â€
“Technology actually can contribute to illusions of control because it can feed our illusion that we have control over things, that we are the captains of our ship and the masters of our soul. If we’re not, then we should be--we think-- and we certainly shouldn’t tell others that we’re not!â€
Kilbourne’s book is about the Greeks and others, and his clients in psychoanalysis, but it doesn’t have a lot of jargon and he says it’s really intended for students and a lay audience anyway. He says he wrote it for the “gentle reader.â€
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Berkshire County Homes Celebrating Holiday Cheer
By Breanna SteeleiBerkshires Staff
There's holiday cheer throughout the Berkshires this winter.
Many homeowners are showing their holiday spirit by decorating their houses. We asked for submissions so those in the community can check out these fanciful lights and decor when they're out.
We asked the homeowners questions on their decorations and why they like to light up their houses.
In Great Barrington, Matt Pevzner has decorated his house with many lights and even has a Facebook page dedicated to making sure others can see the holiday joy.
Located at 93 Brush Hill Road, there's more than 61,000 lights strewn across the yard decorating trees and reindeer and even a polar bear.
The Pevzner family started decorating in September by testing their hundreds of boxes of lights. He builds all of his own decorations like the star 10-foot star that shines done from 80-feet up, 10 10-foot trees, nine 5-foot trees, and even the sleigh, and more that he also uses a lift to make sure are perfect each year.
"I always decorated but I went big during COVID. I felt that people needed something positive and to bring joy and happiness to everyone," he wrote. "I strive to bring as much joy and happiness as I can during the holidays. I love it when I get a message about how much people enjoy it. I've received cards thanking me how much they enjoyed it and made them smile. That means a lot."
Pevzner starts thinking about next year's display immediately after they take it down after New Year's. He gets his ideas by asking on his Facebook page for people's favorite decorations. The Pevzner family encourages you to take a drive and see their decorations, which are lighted every night from 5 to 10.
In North Adams, the Wilson family decorates their house with fun inflatables and even a big Santa waving to those who pass by.
The Wilsons start decorating before Thanksgiving and started decorating once their daughter was born and have grown their decorations each year as she has grown. They love to decorate as they used to drive around to look at decorations when they were younger and hope to spread the same joy.
"I have always loved driving around looking at Christmas lights and decorations. It's incredible what people can achieve these days with their displays," they wrote.
The Wilsons' invite you to come and look at their display at 432 Church St. that's lit from 4:30 to 10:30 every night, though if it's really windy, the inflatables might not be up as the weather will be too harsh.
In Pittsfield, Travis and Shannon Dozier decorated their house for the first time this Christmas as they recently purchased their home on Faucett Lane. The two started decorating in November, and hope to bring joy to the community.
"If we put a smile on one child's face driving by, then our mission was accomplished," they said.
Many homeowners are showing their holiday spirit by decorating their houses. We asked for submissions so those in the community can check out these fanciful lights and decor when they're out.
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