Puncturing the politically correct

By Johnnie CarrierPrint Story | Email Story
What’s wrong with the world? Have we all gone completely mental coo-coo? Who started this political correctness stuff and why do we need it? Can’t anyone take a joke anymore? Stuffed animals in straight jackets causing a national uproar: What’s up with that? The Vermont Teddy Bear Company has been charged with insensitivity over a Teddy bear in a straight jacket? The bear called Crazy Over You has started petitions and has politicians speaking out against it. Can’t we laugh anymore? It appears that the mother of a person with mental illness has started the campaign to get the bear off the shelf — all because her son is ... er, mentally challenged. After going on its Web site, I saw the Vermont Teddy Bear Company had another Valentine bear. It was a Cupid bear — a Cupid bear shooting arrows of love. Shouldn’t they take that off the market, since my Great Uncle Lucas Carrier was killed by an Injun (I mean a Native American) in 1878? You can’t say anything without offending people. We don’t go blind anymore; we are “vision impaired.” We can’t go crazy anymore; we “lose our mental capabilities.” Are you fat? No more. You are “horizontally challenged.” Are you a bum on the street who found this paper on a park bench? No way. Now you are an “unemployed, hygienically impaired person” Do you wear false teeth? No more. You have improved your chewing capabilities. Have no teeth? Well, depending upon you age you are either pre-or post-dental. Heartbroken? Some cardiologist may take that the wrong way. Let’s change that to “romantically in need of repair.” Change the name of a smoker to a tobaccoist. Eyeballs? Now they will be known as focal orbs. Not only did George Orwell write a novel named after a cool Van Halen album, “1984” included something we are living out today, and that, sport fans, is called NEWSPEAK. The totalitarian government in Orwell’s novel thought by changing the way we spoke we would change the way we thought. Bad became ungood. Great became doublegood. We need to be really careful here, kids, or chocolate will soon become unvanilla. I really don’t think it’s a blue state, red state thing. Both shades of those two primary colors are guilty. Political demigods from both sides of the aisle want to change the name of antipasto because it might offend those who are propasto. If we don’t get a hold of this soon, heavy petting will mean a fat dog playing in your yard. Or jumbo shrimps will blow their tops at the suggested reference to obesity. What’s wrong with saying what’s on your mind? Where did those easily offended people hang out when they were kids? Didn’t you tease each other? In other words, didn’t you learn to take a joke? Soon the world will be filled with mommies giving their sons and daughters Inuit kisses instead of Eskimos kisses. Look how stupid it is. Would you drop the word pervert for uninhibited? Of course not (even though people have called me both of those words). But the word pervert may offend you. Well, the term snowflake offends me, so from here on we will call them “crystallized frozen water in one-of-a-kind shapes.” People are so afraid to offend. The Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts in North Adams changes its name from the Mohawks to the Trailblazers. What they should have done was change the name to the Mohicans because James Fenimore Cooper killed off the last one of those in his “Leather-Stocking Tales,” published in 1826. How come pro sport teams don’t have to change their names? The Atlanta Braves could be called the Flames, after the match that General Sherman lit during the Civil War. The New York and San Francisco Giants need to be renamed. I’m surprised that people suffering from giantism haven’t raised a really big stink over that one. The Washington Redskins will be changed to the Monuments, and they won’t be able to take ticket reservations any more. The queen will expect the Kansas City Royals to change their name. I would recommend that we change the name of the New England Patriots, but we don't have any of those left in this country so why bother. The San Diego Padres? I went to a parochial school, and trust me, you don’t want to tick off those dudes or their sisters. Don’t be afraid to say what’s really on your mind, as long as it comes from your heart — and then who can complain? Only the truly crazy among us. Johnnie Carrier is a freelance writer who is slightly horizontally challenged and post dental with improved chewing capabilities. He is built for comfort, not for speed.
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Senior Golf Series Returns in September

Community submission
PITTSFIELD, Mass. -- The Berkshire County Fall Senior Golf series returns in September with events on five consecutive Wednesdays starting Sept. 18.
 
It is the 22nd year of the series, which is a fund-raiser for junior golf in the county, and it is open to players aged 50 and up.
 
The series will feature two divisions for each event based on the combined ages of the playing partners.
 
Golfers play from the white tees (or equivalent) with participants 70 and over or who have a handicap of more than 9 able to play from the forward tees.
 
Gross and net prices will be available in each division.
 
The cost is $55 per event and includes a round of golf, food and prizes. Carts are available for an additional fee.
 
Golfers should call the pro shop at the course for that week's event no sooner than two weeks before the event to register.
 
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